Chapter 17 - If You Don't Know Me By Now

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CHAPTER 17 - IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME BY NOW

KNOWING THEY’LL NEVER FULLY KNOW YOU, WHAT ACTIONS DO YOU NEED TO TAKE?

“‘...Who touched my clothes?’ You see the people crowding against you,’ his disciples answered, ‘and yet you can ask, “Who touched me?”’ But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it.”

—Mark 5:30–32 NIV

In my house, music and television are a big deal. Between my husband and my kids, there is guaranteed to be some audio- visual noisemaking device in almost every room. Personally, I

prefer quiet music or perhaps a little television at low volume every now and again.

In addition to the volume levels, I live in a world of multiple device use. In my house, it would be common for me to come home and find a television blaring and a YouTube video running on the com- puter. Every now and then, someone might even be listening to something on their phone. Then, in the middle of all this chaos, someone attempts to have a conversation with me. I can’t adequately explain what it feels like. As soon as they begin to speak, my brain starts to overload. I become overwhelmed with all the input. I want to run and hide.

I often think, After all these years, don’t they know me by now? Don’t they know I can’t handle all this noise?

I’m sure my husband and kids think the opposite: It isn’t even that loud. Why is this such a big deal?

While this may seem like a simple case of noise tolerance preferences, in my story, we find the root of another relationship challenge. What happens when that person—mother, father, husband, best friend, colleague, [fill in your blank]—in a relationship you have invested so much time in doesn’t understand who you are?

Year after year, day after day, you’ve told them, shown them, and asked them, but they still don’t seem to “get” you.

You just lost a loved one; shouldn’t they know to come to the funeral to support you? You’re struggling with an illness; shouldn’t they know to drop some food off? You were rejected as a child; shouldn’t they know you need to feel like you belong? Why can’t they send an encouraging message if you’re having a stressful time at work? You want to feel loved; shouldn’t they know to hold you?

After all this time, shouldn’t they know? What’s the point of loving them as you do when, in the end, they just don’t get you?

And that’s when the stories begin.

Deep down in the recesses of our minds, we tell ourselves that maybe they don’t love us or can’t be trusted. We guard our hearts and watch their patterns. However, in some instances, watching the patterns doesn’t help one bit. You see, when we watch someone’s patterns through the lens of “I can’t trust you,” we’ll always find exactly what we’re looking for: their worst.

In Mark 5:30–32, we see one of those “why don’t you know me” moments between Jesus and His disciples. He’s walking through a large crowd, people clamoring to get to Him. Rocks jamming into their shoes, and bodies dripping with sweat as the crowd swells and presses harder and closer to Him with increasing urgency and need.

And then, in the middle of all that, Jesus asked, “Who touched me?”

The fact that His disciples heard Jesus is a testament that they loved Him and wanted to protect Him. They were close, surrounding Him and doing their best with their physical bodies to keep the people from crushing Him.

However, instead of asking, “What do you mean, Teacher?” they said (Leah’s paraphrase), “Jesus! Can’t you see we’re doing our best to keep this crowd from crushing you to death? There are so many of them. Of course they’re touching you. How can you ask, who touched me?”

At that moment, Jesus doesn’t respond. He keeps looking around to see who touched Him. If you take a step back and think about it, this isn’t the first time the disciples misunderstood or questioned Him, even though He was with them every day. With all that proximity, they still didn’t understand who He was.

On a human level, you can imagine Jesus’ frustration and disappointment:

“Why don’t they understand?” “Why don’t they know my heart?” “Why can’t they see with new eyes?” “Why don’t they have more faith?”

Nestled in the pages of the Gospels and the life of Christ are two simple truths to help us respond to the age-old relationship question: Why don’t you know me by now?

They’ll Never Know

Jesus was perfect: perfectly fair, perfectly kind, and perfectly loving. Yet His disciples still didn’t understand who He was. No matter how much you love people or how clear or vulnerable you are with them, they’ll never truly know you. When you accept that, you can

begin to tell yourself a different story. Instead of “they don’t care,” you can either let it go or ask, “What do I need to do to help them understand what I need?”

Think Different

Time and time again throughout His ministry, Jesus’ disciples let Him down. But instead of cutting them off and casting them aside— instead of feeding Himself an internal story about how the disciples can’t be trusted—Jesus does something else. He allows them to stay by His side and teaches what love is by modeling it through His actions every day. Then on the doorstep of his pending death, He gets down on His hands and knees and washes their feet.

When it comes to navigating relationships with the people we love, we should expect letdowns. However, our response to a letdown should never be to shut down. Instead of judging them through the lens of our pain, we can, as Jesus demonstrated, talk, set boundaries, give, and love.

It won’t be easy. In fact, the only thing I can guarantee is that some days it will be hard. But our daily decisions to care, let go, or confront in love will help us navigate our relationships differently. When it comes to other people, they’ll never really know you. But the beau- tiful thing is, when you choose to Think Different, they will always recognize the God in you.

Prayer

Dear Jesus,
I can’t begin to tell You how many times I feel hurt and let down by those who are supposed to love me. In those moments when I feel so alone, help me. Be the comfort they cannot be. Instead of judging them, I want to share what I need in a way that strengthens our relationship. Thank You for setting an example for me to follow. Thank You for reminding me I can choose to think differently about people and situations. Thank You for being patient when I don’t love You how I should. Finally, thank You for coming to earth to show me that when I choose to love like You, it can change everything.

Amen.

Meet The Author

Leah JM Dean is a bestselling author, speaker, coach, and trusted advisor to organizations and leaders across the globe. She is also Founder and CEO of Conduit International Ltd., a professional and personal development solutions company dedicated to helping organizations, leaders, and women work smarter, live well, and foster meaningful connections. A self-proclaimed recovering workaholic, Leah is passionate about helping her clients find strategies to optimize their work, invest in their wellbeing, and make a lasting impact on the lives of those they touch. To learn more about the book Be Different and pick up your copy, visit https://www.leahjmdean.com/be-different